Academic Species # 2: Professor Punk Rock

Professor Punk Rock was well 'ard in his yoof. He was into rock and roll and had an earring and everything. In fact he still has his earring. Your eyes snag on it as they flee the horror of his protruding chest hair. Professor Punk Rock was probably as much of a punk rocker as those white middle class boys from Surrey who go around calling each other 'blood.' But he's carried the ethos of his rebellious youth into his current role as Vice-Chancellor in charge of Important Stuff. Only instead of glassing someone in a pub, he's berating the Department of Difficult Science for having a shite student handbook. Rock on my friend.

Now where did I leave my Committee papers?

Academic Species # 1: Professor Bluster



Every university has at least half a dozen Professor Blusters. This wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that they have a distressing tendency to be given important jobs.

I work fairly closely with Professor Bluster. He is an eminent researcher and is very good at, you know, research and stuff. Very clever man. But someone had the bright idea that he might also be good at being the Director of Quite Important Stuff. He's not. He's shite. He doesn't remember when meetings are. When he does remember, he has no idea what the meeting is about. He needs to take decisions on a daily basis but can't because he doesn't know what's going on.

Professor Bluster is a highly intelligent man. He knows that he's massively incompetent but he doesn't like being told that because he's never failed at anything in his life. So he blusters. He gets red in the face, his jowls wobble and he shouts about how much work he has to do and how he is incredibly important and how we should all shove our Quite Important Stuff up our administrating arses.

Now technically this isn't Professor Bluster's fault. He's just a victim of his own success. He is so good at his research that he has got every honour and plaudit on the planet. The senior management at the University of Cockleton are aware of exactly how much money he brings in research grants. They want to keep him happy so they give him a nice new job title to add to his ever-lengthening email signature. It was just bad luck that the role happened to be more than a job title and actually involved having to make decisions about Quite Important Stuff.

So how does one cope with Professor Bluster on a daily basis? Well it's a bit like dealing with a recalcitrant toddler. You have to spell everything out in big letters. You have to clean up his messes. You have to praise him when he does well. You have to remain calm and firm in the face of his temper tantrums. But most of all, you have to get the Quite Important Stuff done and somehow make him think that he did it all by himself.